birth (day) of the narcissist

For the umpteenth number of time I am saying this to myself and my blogs and my family and friends, some of who ask, some who don't--That I am very very busy..I'm awake most nights, because I can not get work done during the day (its either too beautiful outside, or I am too sleepy, or my boyfriend's at home, or I'm too lonely or stressed..)..Now going back the last 12 years..I think its always been that way..I am always more productive at night.

But that was a different time altogether. Someone had to push me to get things done. Strange it seems, those "someone"s now ask me to take rest and take it slow (I smile and laugh to myself)..

I'm still pretty much the same. Swindling between average and good, sometimes an outlier reaching to an almost "best" position...but mostly the curve fits at "good".. I still get distracted easily, I still have weird thoughts, I still daydream about weird incidents (and people), relive single moments of pleasure in my head, I still give too much attention to people who shouldn't get that much, I'm still as far from "what I want", still nowhere close to "what I'd like to be"...and 12 years have gone.

12 years, 3 long term relationships, another 4 flings and fangs (which seemed to last 'longer'), adolescence (+ pre and post), quarter life crisis (pre and post), leaving home, getting back, wanting to get back..well...a lots gone by.

3 years since I realised, its more about someone else than about me. My birthday that is. Its more about the one who took the pains to give birth to me. She should be wished not me. She should be congratulated, not me. I mean, what does it even mean to me? Being born? So what? I could celebrate the first day I talked or walked or painted or wore a contact lens or drove a car or had sex or gave birth...not being born! Its pre-consciousness!

But My birthday had to be a happy birthday! Like you're given this one day, make the most of it!! It has always been very very important to me. Very essential rather. Like something special has to happen, exactly the way I want it to...what way do I want it? I don't remember my fantasies anymore..all I know is I was never satisfied..don't get me wrong there! I probably got more than anyone ever did..I mean when its a party, I wanted only family, when its a family I wanted more friends, when a dinner I wanted a daytime outing when a surprise party I wanted my special friend to call when next year he wants to spend it with me I want to visit Big Apple...it never ends.

And this year I'm too busy to even think, but am I not thinking? Well no, I didn't buy myself presents..I am not going out anywhere, I don't have the time to. I don't have too close friends here that I'll invite (I'm too lazy to cook/clean anyway) I don't want people to wish me with the help of birthday reminders..I don't want my friends to forget it (secretly)..I don't want people to miss me too much and think how sad I must be..

So yeah I am thinking and guess what? I heard 3 roars of fireworks outside..its 4 am now, the night before my birthday..and stars are falling from the sky. No its not a game night and no I did not know, who/where it is. No I did not go out and see the fireworks. I'm hunched up in the couch, writing (what I'm supposed to do)

I guess I got my present though...a message I am special..weird, stupid, surreal and very un-24ish but its a realization I guess. and it helps. especially now. yes it helps. A message that says stay alive and keep going, a message I am not expecting, a messenger I can not identify not even in my weirdest of dreams.

Remember Carpenters..it was always a favorite and now suddenly it all falling into places..

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

Some Narcissist you'd say..well yeah! Its my birthday after all..

rambling

agreeing to disagree

You Are A Hazelnut Tree

You're a charmer with a killer sense of humor. You are very demanding, but you can also be very understanding. No matter what, you always make a lasting impression - you're quite popular. Passionate, you are an active fighter for social causes and politics. In general, you are moody, honest, a perfectionist, and very sexual.

Soldier at another war

There's a fire in the sky
And some acid in the rain
There goes a dead man's hopes
And a mothers pain

There are mobs on the streets
A war on your country
Burning houses, raging flames
and people going hungry

There are children who are winning games
Intelligent design in schools
There's a plan on everybody's mind
And blood in your swimming pools

There's a soldier fighting another war
the pilot I'm waiting for
there are battles he has to win
before he can clean your scars

There's a preacher in another land
the savior I'm waiting for
there are lessons that need to be taught
before he can rule your soul

There's vermillion all over the walls
And sweet camphor melting on my roof
There's wine below the wooden floor and
meat roasting in a pot

We're all waiting for the war to end
for our heroes to come back home
we're all waiting for the feast to begin
for peace lilies on the tombs

We're waiting for new crafts of
new sails and aeroplanes
we're ready for the hot balloons
that will fly you to heaven and clouds higher than those.
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There's fire in the winds and a pilot I'm waiting for and I know he has to win his own battles first before he can tend to mine.

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