But that was a different time altogether. Someone had to push me to get things done. Strange it seems, those "someone"s now ask me to take rest and take it slow (I smile and laugh to myself)..
I'm still pretty much the same. Swindling between average and good, sometimes an outlier reaching to an almost "best" position...but mostly the curve fits at "good".. I still get distracted easily, I still have weird thoughts, I still daydream about weird incidents (and people), relive single moments of pleasure in my head, I still give too much attention to people who shouldn't get that much, I'm still as far from "what I want", still nowhere close to "what I'd like to be"...and 12 years have gone.
12 years, 3 long term relationships, another 4 flings and fangs (which seemed to last 'longer'), adolescence (+ pre and post), quarter life crisis (pre and post), leaving home, getting back, wanting to get back..well...a lots gone by.
3 years since I realised, its more about someone else than about me. My birthday that is. Its more about the one who took the pains to give birth to me. She should be wished not me. She should be congratulated, not me. I mean, what does it even mean to me? Being born? So what? I could celebrate the first day I talked or walked or painted or wore a contact lens or drove a car or had sex or gave birth...not being born! Its pre-consciousness!
But My birthday had to be a happy birthday! Like you're given this one day, make the most of it!! It has always been very very important to me. Very essential rather. Like something special has to happen, exactly the way I want it to...what way do I want it? I don't remember my fantasies anymore..all I know is I was never satisfied..don't get me wrong there! I probably got more than anyone ever did..I mean when its a party, I wanted only family, when its a family I wanted more friends, when a dinner I wanted a daytime outing when a surprise party I wanted my special friend to call when next year he wants to spend it with me I want to visit Big Apple...it never ends.
And this year I'm too busy to even think, but am I not thinking? Well no, I didn't buy myself presents..I am not going out anywhere, I don't have the time to. I don't have too close friends here that I'll invite (I'm too lazy to cook/clean anyway) I don't want people to wish me with the help of birthday reminders..I don't want my friends to forget it (secretly)..I don't want people to miss me too much and think how sad I must be..
So yeah I am thinking and guess what? I heard 3 roars of fireworks outside..its 4 am now, the night before my birthday..and stars are falling from the sky. No its not a game night and no I did not know, who/where it is. No I did not go out and see the fireworks. I'm hunched up in the couch, writing (what I'm supposed to do)
I guess I got my present though...a message I am special..weird, stupid, surreal and very un-24ish but its a realization I guess. and it helps. especially now. yes it helps. A message that says stay alive and keep going, a message I am not expecting, a messenger I can not identify not even in my weirdest of dreams.
Remember Carpenters..it was always a favorite and now suddenly it all falling into places..
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.
Some Narcissist you'd say..well yeah! Its my birthday after all..
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