Purple (ears)

Purple ears…My Pupu came home today. Age 2. estimated birthday April 1 2007. My brown eyed beauty. Playful. Maybe a little scared at present, a little skittish. Will take some time to call 725 home. And then it will be time for her to move again. Visit Baba and visit everywhere, Ma and Baba will go looking for peace. Changed the blaring Metallica disc in the car to something softer. Don’t want to startle her again. Taking turns at 5mph. (yeah!) Had the passenger view down, so I can see her hopping and rolling all over her cage. When I first picked her up, she licked me so much, I could almost see Khoru, asking me ‘what took you so long?’

So long. 13 years. A broken spine, bloodied white fur, he lied on my lap moments before he left us all. And I was amazed at how easily I had taken death. Shocked at my own composure, did that mean I did not love him enough? It was nothing like the August morning of 2008, when I got the call from half way across the world saying Ghotai was dying. After Khoru I used to think about him, but nothing stopped me from petting others. But Ghotai? No, I couldn’t bear to do that to her. She wouldn’t replace me, how could I ever replace her? That soul connection? That cant be beat. It will be so unfair to everyone, her, me, our mothers, her sister, not to mention the new introduction. Wonder why I can look back on Khoru and expect reincarnation and with Ghotai only trying to grasp her, asking her for courage and company and wisdom and peace…only holding onto her, trying to finger through the knots on her back, smoothing the wettish hair under her ears.

Or maybe it was just the feeling of guilt that I wasn’t around to see her go. I keep wondering every now and then did she think of me before she died? What did she think? That I left her because something was more important to me? Than her?

Driving back from the airport after a much sought soul vacation and one where I was longing to get back to my cave, I suddenly did not want to take the last right turn that took me where home stood alone, cold, waiting to remind me there was no one waiting for me. But they wouldn’t allow dogs and I would have to be less random about dog adoption… too much paperwork. Plus I did not want Ghotai to feel abandoned what I might have felt in her place.

Next day at work, someone was talking about bunnies, reminded me of Khoru. I had abandoned Geru. Mercilessly. Even before she turned gray enough to leave. Did not look back. Did not inquire. I ignored her for Kukee......

And then, in 3 years my playful puppy suddenly became a mother, a reflection of mine and gave me a reflection of me. Who I left behind for greener pastures. Left her to die alone. And only think of her when I have nowhere else to hide. Sweet child of mine.

This seems right in so many ways. Ghotai wont mind this. Khoru neither. I think. Geru will forgive me. This seems so right. 6 more minutes, before I leave for home, 15 to get there, carry the cage upstairs, heat my dinner, clean her cage, put the hay, set the litter box. Eat dinner with her. Watch Office together. Bliss.

I’ll be so tired after all this. I generally am most days for the last several weeks but not eager to go to bed…. Tonight I’m looking forward to go to sleep so I can wake up beside her. Also maybe because I am fiendishly sleepy.